


Dude, Where's My Car?

by miirkaelisaar



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Awkwardness, Aziraphale might be jealous, Crowley doesn't know how to women, Feedism, Fluff, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-02
Updated: 2013-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-25 11:11:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/952383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miirkaelisaar/pseuds/miirkaelisaar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crowley panics when he finds the Bentley missing, but soon realizes she isn't missing at all. She's just far less car-like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dude, Where's My Car?

There are a lot of things you expect when you've lived on earth for six thousand years. There's also a lot you don't expect, but it still doesn't really surprise you. Once you've lived through an almost-apocalypse, really nothing should surprise you. And that's if you're human, which Crowley was not.

Crowley was also not prepared for what was waiting for him that morning as he sauntered vaguely downward from his flat and walked outside, thinking maybe he would visit Aziraphale and invite him to lunch or something, as he had nothing to do.

Now, Crowley wasn't usually one to freak out over things. But the sight of his usual parking spot no longer occupied by a sleek black 1926 Bentley practically gave him a heart attack. Although a heart attack really wouldn't affect him, he'd just stand there and freak out without a heart beat, no biggie. And he would have freaked out (if the strangled cry of horror he already let out hadn't been considered "freaking out"), if he hadn't been coherent enough to notice what _was_ in the parking space.

Her legs seemed to go on forever, and not just because of the shiny black heels she wore, standing as confidently as if the dainty stilettoes were hiking boots. Sheer black nylons faded into a much darker cocktail dress, flared and frilly. Her hands rested easily on her hips, accented by black lace gloves. Her dark brown hair framed her face perfectly, a stark contrast to eyes the color of steel. A black fedora rested at a perfect angle on her head, adorned with only the faintest pinstripes, and seeming to never disturb one hair on her head.

She had been turned away, but hearing Crowley's (rather girly) cry of distress, she turned a gaze to him that was cold and yet warm, in fact, it was almost familiar, in the way that you meet someone you've never seen before, but you're _sure_ you know them from somewhere...

"Wh-where's my car?!" When Crowley found his voice, he said the first thing that came to mind. Sure it wasn't the most intelligent thing he could think of given that this woman couldn't have taken his car as she was standing there very obviously not in his stolen Bentley.

"Anthony." She spoke in a voice as smooth and as cold as steel, yet seemed to purr, and kind of hum, reverberating a little in Crowley's chest. "Calm down, you're making a scene."

"How do you know my name..?" Crowley froze, perplexed. Here was a beautiful stranger standing where his beautiful car had been, dressed all in black, and she knew his name. His eyes widened as his first instincts told him she was from Down Below, perhaps they thought sending a beautiful woman would make Crowley put his guard down, and he was about to be sent back. With this thought in mind, he took a couple of steps back.

"Really Anthony? You don't recognize me?" She frowned just a bit, watching Crowley intently and actually looking a bit offended as he stepped away from her. "After all these years?"

It was then that Crowley noticed the woman's necklace, and wondered how he hadn't seen before the way the light glared off of it. It could have been silver, but it was most certainly chrome, and there was no mistaking the ornament dangling against the pitch black of her dress: A capital "B", with two wings spread wide.

"Are... you..." Crowley's eyes widened more, shocked as he started to realize, and unable to believe such a thing was possible despite everything he'd seen before. There was no way. No way in Hell, or in Heaven, or on earth, that could be true.

"It's me, Anthony." The woman casually tossed her hair over her shoulder with one hand, taking a few steps toward him and smiling, her voice carrying the distinct vibrations of a gently idling engine. "It's me. Bentley."

\------

Crowley wasn't sure about how he got back to his flat. He will swear until the end of time he didn't faint. Demons don't faint, okay? Though he'll admit, maybe, he lost the ability to speak, and breathe, and remain standing. And maybe Bentley had to help him (drag him) back upstairs. But how could you blame him? Now, sitting on his couch and staring at the woman as if she were some sort of space alien, he didn't know what to even think.

"You're..." He blinked and shook his head. "How...?"

"I really thought you'd take this better..." Bentley sighed. "I'm sorry. I thought it would be fun."

"But..." Crowley struggled to form coherent thoughts and words. "I don't understand, cars... cars aren't... how did you... did I fall asleep again? I need to stay away from the spicy food ugh..." He put his head in his hands to keep it from spinning.

"Anthony, we've been together for eighty years. Did you think I was just an ordinary car?" Bentley sat down on the couch next to Crowley, a playful smirk on her lips. Of course she felt a little bad springing this on him, but you have to admit he was pretty funny when he was confused. So flustered and awkward, poor guy. But you gotta love that about him. "Not to mention the angel's always around too, all that magic and whatnot rubs off. You think I change your tapes by accident? That's sentience, right there."

"Wait... you do that on purpose?" Crowley frowned, distracted from his shock.

"Oh yes, of course. It's like a fun little game we play." She replied endearingly, patting his hand with hers and he was surprised that it could be so warm and human. How could a car be human?

"Well, it might be fun for you... it's kind of annoying when I can't go anywhere without humming Bohemian Rhapsody under my breath unconsciously..." Crowley replied dejectedly. "I mean you could change some into Beatles albums and I wouldn't complain. A man needs some variety." This was answered with just a low chuckle, which sounded just a tiny bit like valves tapping and Crowley couldn't help smiling a little.

"So you.. wow..." He fidgeted, wondering what he should say. He'd never had the opportunity to talk to his car before. What do you ask a car? Is there any kind of car social ettiquete? He didn't want to be rude or offend her, she was his one and only as far as cars went. "You um... you're... a really good car." Wow that was dumb why did he say that? You'd think after six millenia of learning how to talk to women he'd have this down pat by now.

Bentley chuckled again. "Thank you. You're a really good driver." It sounded joking, but there was definitely a hint of seriousness. Crowley really was a good driver, and very careful, and very protective. He didn't know how often she'd seen him argue with someone who asked to 'take her out for a spin', or 'take a peek under the hood', or 'just want to take a picture in it, that's all'.

Crowley hesitated for a moment and spoke again. "Hey um... I don't know how you feel about this, but I... I really wanna tell Aziraphale about this, he's not gonna believe it. I totally understand if you don't wanna see him because he's kind of a bastard and-"

"Anthony..." Bentley chuckled as he started rambling. "I have nothing against the angel, trust me." Actually she was quite fond of Aziraphale, even if he did make some unneccesary remarks sometimes, she knew he was only jealous. And that was understandable, he didn't seem to have many friends or acquaintances outside of Crowley anyway. In fact, she rather appreciated Aziraphale for being with Crowley. For tending to him and comforting him and just being there. Things that she couldn't really do until she had decided to try her hand at making herself human. And it was actually pretty taxing, though she ignored it. A little strain on energy was nothing compared to the opportunity to be human. It was kind of maddening being a car, driving the same two people around, everywhere, for so long and never being able to say a word to them, never be able to join in the conversation. She deserved this.

\------

The trip over to Aziraphale's bookshop was short, but awkward. At least for Crowley. He'd half expected Bentley to want to walk or take a cab, as he was sure she was enjoying her present humanness... humanity? Humanhood..? However, she happily offered to drive him, stating that she still liked being a car and it wasn't a big deal. Crowley never blinked, but he still missed the transformation, she was there and then she wasn't, his sleek Bentley sitting untouched as if she'd never been there at all. But when he climbed in the driver's seat, a strange feeling of someone else being there couldn't be shaken. She was definitely real, he smiled. He hadn't imagined her then.

He felt a little nervous now, all the more conscious of every sharp turn, and every fast brake, even apologizing profusely under his breath when some young idiot cut him off and he had to swerve. He shut the door more gently than normal when he got out, and suddenly she was there again, chuckling with amusement.

"Anthony, I'm a car, not an infant, I'm made of steel not glass. You don't have to be so careful." She smiled when Crowley sputtered defensively, he was just so fun to tease. "Shall we?"

"Oh yeah, right." Crowley composed himself, remembering where they were, and lead the way to the bookshop door. He ignored the bold sign stating the establishment was CLOSED, SORRY and walked right in, the door unlocking itself almost instinctively at his touch. "Aziraphale? Forget about your dumb books for a minute, I have something to show you!" He hesitated and looked at Bentley. "I mean someone, of course..." He mumbled and she just smiled, amused.

Aziraphale barely noticed the sound of the door opening and shutting, so engrossed in a book that he couldn't really be bothered to notice his surroundings. Even Crowley's shout from the entryway didn't rouse him at first despite his subconscious reply of "Hmm..", of course Crowley would know this and simply look for him. It wasn't until the demon was shaking his arm that he finally tore his eyes away from the page, blinking and looking up in confusion. "Oh, good morning dear, I wasn't expecting you. I'm sorry, I was just reading this and..."

Crowley shook his head, putting his hands up to stop him. "Yeah yeah, it's okay, whatever. But look." He stepped aside, gesturing to Bentley excitedly. "Huh? Huh?"

Aziraphale raised an eyebrow, surprised, as it wasn't exactly normal for Crowley to show up with another person. Was she a new friend? An old friend? Was Crowley just trying to push Aziraphale into selling more of his books? The closed sign was out for a reason, he wasn't going to bend the rules for one person.

Noting Aziraphale's blank expression, Crowley finally blurted. "It's Bentley!" A grin spread across his face. "My Bentley, angel, she's human! See?"

At first Aziraphale thought, naturally, Crowley was pulling his leg, trying to get a funny reaction out of him so he could mock him. But then he met eyes with the woman and well... there was something familiar about her, though he couldn't place it. And the more he stared the more she smirked and the more he realized that Crowley's insane announcement might not be a joke. "Oh my goodness, _really_?" He gaped, confused as to how something like that was even possible. Surely cars don't even have souls, how can they be human?

"That was my reaction!" Crowley nodded, ignoring Bentley's chuckled murmur of 'that's an understatement'. "She said it's because our magic rubbed off on her. Can you believe that?"

"Well..." Aziraphale nodded thoughtfully, realizing that this was actually a perfect explanation. He did notice sometimes when he rode with Crowley he had to adjust the seat because it was too far forward, often he wondered if Crowley himself had done that to mess with him, but now he realized the car was doing it on purpose. It had been pretty obvious with the tapes, but really he couldn't be sure, all of them were the same album after all, it seemed fairly overdone for a prank.

And all those times Aziraphale had argued with Crowley, gotten fed up, and tried to get out of the car and walk away. He had been so sure it was Crowley magically locking the door on him and keeping him inside to talk it out. Now he wondered if Crowley wasn't the one behind it at all. Of course there were also the times he was trying to get in and the door refused to open, only to suddenly release right as he yanked on the handle, which made Crowley laugh every time but really he didn't see what was so funny about it.

"It's nice to er... meet you? I suppose technically we've met already..." Aziraphale wasn't sure how to greet Bentley. He wasn't really sure how to talk to women or cars, both of those were more Crowley's area. But he didn't want to be rude either. "This is... new, er... why did you decide to become human all of a sudden? If you don't mind my asking."

"It's nice to meet you too." Bentley smiled, lighting up the room a little. "I'm actually glad you asked. I couldn't stand it anymore. All this time I've been around you two, and you're really fascinating, you know that?" She tossed her hair gently and sighed. "I wanted to see what it was like to participate in all that. I want to see what happens after I'm parked and you go inside the bookshop, and The Ritz, and places cars can't go. And I want to talk, this is so nice, conveying my thoughts and feelings to you after listening to the two of you talk for years and being unable to say anything."

Crowley frowned a little bit, feeling a pang of sympathy. He never thought about that, if Bentley had thoughts and feelings, being a car must be pretty hard sometimes. Although she didn't seem upset about it. It still made him feel bad.

"Hey, we should do something. I mean, let's go to The Ritz or something, it'll be fun." He suggested, feeling like it was the obvious solution. Predictably, Aziraphale was on his feet in seconds, miraculously quick considering his size.

"Ooh, let's! I haven't eaten all day." Aziraphale nodded. "I only had breakfast."

Bentley smiled, coyly but genuinely. "That sounds like a wonderful idea, Anthony." She didn't admit it, but she actually thought it was a perfect idea. She knew how much Crowley and Aziraphale enjoyed 'The Ritz', it was one of their favorite places. And she'd never been able to go in with them. Now she could. She could be part of what she only heard about in their conversations.

"Great! Well let's get going then, sweetheart. Angel." He gestured them both to hurry and turned to lead the way out, never even noticing the faint blush that crossed Bentley's face when she realized that 'sweetheart' had been meant for her. If Aziraphale noticed, he politely said nothing, and she hid it quickly enough anyway, following Crowley with a distracted smile.

\------

Aziraphale wasn't nearly as awkward as Crowley when Bentley obligingly turned back into a car (Though Crowley suggested they could just use magic to get there, she insisted that it was fun this way and she enjoyed listening to them talk). Besides it was still the same car after all. As soon as the angel got in he found his seat readjusted much too far forward. "Ha ha, yes... very funny." He didn't gripe like he usually did about the seat being broken, now that he knew that it was indeed just the car messing with him. He reached down to look for the lever to adjust it and suddenly the seat righted itself as if apologizing. As Aziraphale was a forgiving person, he shut the door a bit more gently than usual.

Crowley seemed very paranoid about his handling of the car, Aziraphale noticed. He knew the demon cared for Bentley but this was just ridiculous. It was still the same car, just because it- she had thoughts and feelings didn't mean it- she would suddenly get upset over being treated like a car.

Neither of them really talked much, whether because they didn't want Bentley to feel left out or because they felt awkward knowing the car was listening. As if trying to lighten the mood, the tape-player turned on by itself, an incredibly predictable stream of Queen flowing from the speakers and destroying the awkward silence. Crowley smiled a little, ignoring the fact that this song would now be stuck in his head for a week or more.

Once they arrived and the two men stepped out, the car disappeared once more, replaced seamlessly and instantly with a human Bentley. Despite the crowded sidewalk, street, and restaurant entrance, not one person noticed the phenomenon. Bentley smiled and the three walked casually into The Ritz.

Crowley naturally made a big deal out of showing Bentley the menu, suggesting things excitedly as he realized she'd never eaten food before and it was a new experience, so it should be a good one. She wasn't sure what the big fuss was, but she knew when they were with her, he and the angel did an awful lot of talking about food, and talking about eating, and in Aziraphale's case, eating _while_ talking about food and eating. Luckily she never really minded the crumbs on her seats as much as Crowley did, it wasn't as if they hurt her. Also Crowley really seemed to enjoy it when Aziraphale ate, for some reason.

This became even clearer when their food arrived. As soon as the angel started happily eating his food Crowley's attention was stolen. If Aziraphale noticed Crowley gawking at him, he was used to it for he said nothing, continuing to twirl pasta on his fork contentedly and then attempting to get the whole bite in his mouth, usually with little success, but amusing nonetheless. She could see why Crowley enjoyed watching him. He was a rather funny man.

"Oh hey." Crowley snapped out of it realizing that Bentley was staring at them both, an amused smirk on her lips. "You um... here, you should try the food, it's good, it's like the best thing about being human, seriously. That and sleep." He nodded distractedly, picking up a fork and leaning over to carefully twirl some of her pasta for her, which she was grateful for as she wasn't sure what the fork was for or how she was supposed to use it.

Bentley opened her mouth, dignified as ever, to accept the bite Crowley offered her, knowing at least enough to chew the pasta before swallowing, as she'd seen Aziraphale do. She looked a bit concerned when Crowley froze up a little, staring at her, before realizing the look on his face. She blushed, not so used to it as the angel seemed to be, and a lace-clad hand flew to cover her face for a moment as she struggled to maintain her composure, her smile still present though now her playful smirk was more demure.

"Oh, that is good, Anthony. I see why you enjoy it so much." Bentley mused, and it was true, this whole food thing was actually really pleasant, it was no wonder Aziraphale was currently slurping his soup without the slightest regard for anyone around him. Who could blame him?

"Right?" Crowley grinned, shifting in his seat as if nervous before offering her another bite of pasta, which she accepted graciously. She managed to avoid feeling flustered by Crowley's intent stares by not making eye contact, choosing instead to focus on the food and how it tasted and how new this whole feeling was. All cars consumed the same thing after all, and she never had to anyway given that she was run on magic. Now she felt a little cheated.

It was nothing compared to how she felt when Crowley ordered her dessert. Now that was really something. She was even a little disappointed when she became what Crowley explained as 'full' and couldn't bring herself to eat any more, something Aziraphale seemed to have no issue with whatsoever as he effortlessly polished off his own dessert and even finished what she couldn't. Crowley it seemed had only ordered dessert to take one bite and hand it off to the angel.

Finally they left, returning to Aziraphale's book shop with a slightly less awkward air that did not need to be interrupted by Freddie Mercury. The three walked in and Aziraphale made a beeline for the couch, sitting down heavily with a sigh as the walk from outside to inside had been too much after such a large meal. "I'm out of commission for now my dear, I think I'll go back to my book for a bit, but please make yourself at home." Not that Crowley never did that already.

"Ah, you're no fun." Crowley joined Aziraphale on the couch, laying his head in the angel's lap with a satisfied expression. "I think I'll just take a nap then. Think you can keep Bentley company?"

"If I must." Aziraphale replied offhandedly as he searched for his place in the book, though there was no sarcastic inflection of any sort, and no indication that he didn't want to keep her company, it was more joking than anything. Actually he thought Bentley was quite good company, she wasn't too quiet, yet she seemed polite aside from the pranks and smirks and whatnot. And she could at least appreciate food, which he hadn't really expected from a car and made her perfectly alright in his book.

\------

Crowley wasn't sure exactly what he'd wake up to. He assumed something along the lines of Aziraphale and Bentley chatting casually, or ignoring each other. Or perhaps even arguing about something, as he knew how Aziraphale tended to get jealous even when Bentley was only a car.

What he didn't expect was to find Bentley leaning over him, cheerfully feeding Jaffa Cakes to Aziraphale. In fact it was the last thing he expected at all, and he wondered if he was dreaming. "What... hey what...?" Crowley shook his head, confused. "What's going on? How long was I asleep?"

"Only half an hour dear." Aziraphale replied calmly as if this were a perfectly normal event. "What's the matter?"

Bentley glanced down at Crowley realizing he was awake. Also realizing she was sort of leaning over his face, and quickly correcting that situation, sitting up straight with a hint of a blush. "The angel was hungry again Anthony, he said you were in his way and he couldn't get to his snacks so I was helping." She smiled, noticing the look on Crowley's face. She rather enjoyed that look, something about it made her feel accomplished, but it also made her feel special. Something about that mixture of barely suppressed infatuation and very obvious confusion. It was so alluring that she simply had to humor him, taking another Jaffa Cake and reaching over to feed it to Aziraphale, who accepted it without a hint of shame despite the way Crowley shivered and started to blush, staring up at them in something very close to shock.

"What are you trying to do to me?" Crowley groaned though he definitely wasn't complaining. The look on Bentley's face indicated that she knew exactly what she was doing, and was enjoying it too much. She chuckled and fed another of the snacks to Aziraphale, slowly this time and ignoring the look of slight annoyance on the angel's face because the look on Crowley's was so much more important.

Oh yes, this being human thing was so much fun. She was really going to enjoy this...


End file.
